Numb

I’m numb. I feel so much right now that I don’t think I can feel anything at all. It’s been such a long horrific day that I don’t know where to start but I desperately need to dump things out of my brain so I am going to do it here. ***This is going to be very emotional.***

I woke up at 6:48 am with a phone from my mom. "Can you have Chris come over? Your dad fell in the bathroom and I can’t get him up." "Okay, he’ll be right there." I’m thinking okay, Dad’s having a rough morning, he’s not been feeling well the last couple of days and he just needs a little help. Chris is up and out the door in record time. 5 minutes  later mom calls again. "Has Chris left yet?" "Your dad isn’t responding to me, should I call 911?" "YES!!!" So she calls 911. I’m up out of bed, call my brother, run to the shower, get the kids up, call the sitter, we are going to the hospital again. Chris calls, "Jen you need to hurry. He’s really bad." Call SIL, in one breath tell her I’m bringing the kids over, I’ll be there in 5 minutes. Call sitter back and tell her change of plans because SIL is closer. I quite nearly throw the kids out the door at my SIL’s and speed to the hospital. Chris, may saint of a husband, is looking for me. Mom is in the waiting room, she’s a wreck. We wait about 15 minutes and they take us back, but not to dad. They take us to ‘the room’. My brother’s not their yet. Mom is getting more hysterical. The doctor comes in "I’m sorry. He didn’t make it." And the world comes to a screeching halt. The only sound is the most horrific scream I’ve ever heard. It will be in my memory forever.

He’s gone. My larger than life, never met a stranger, ever so eccentric dad is gone. Gone so young. How do I this? How do I feel the pain and make it stop at the same time? How do I hold my baby on my lap and not erupt with tears because she will only have faint memories of her grandfather? How do I hold my mom’s hand and tell her it will be okay? Is it going to be okay? How will I make it through another holiday without him? Another birthday? How??? And damnit, WHY??? Why after he fought so hard to get well? Why after he endured so many horrific illness and surgeries? Why now, when he was getting better? Why did it have to be his time?

I can’t wrap these emotions in a pretty package. I feel so much sadness and anger and helplessness that I almost feel like I can’t control it. The world is upside down. It’s inside out. I can’t stop the insane thoughts and above all I can’t sleep.

Jen

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